Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Hope Again contiunes

Unlike most stories on infertility, I was not paranoid when I see teenagers giving birth or those we think don’t deserve it. Watching my mucus change was as far as I get. I was up beat, had a positive attitude and just took life as it comes. I even secretly started enjoying living without a child. I just put my situation down to time as I believe it will happen when God wants it to. I even stopped taking folic acid. I have been on that thing for 4 years I deserve a share in the company that manufactures it.

Don’t get me wrong. I had my moments; moments where I have been unhappy wondering what was wrong with me. We went for investigation a year after trying, nothing was wrong with us. The IVF produces low quality eggs, none was implanted. It appears my eggs were abnormal, so I concluded that the problem was mine. I have cried, prayed and fasted. But what I didn’t do was dwell too long on my demise. I made a decision not to be miserable I try to find the good in the situation, I enjoyed my sleep at night, my shopping without being disturbed, the fact that I can go anywhere without having to think of child care, not worrying about anything and it helped. I continued loving God and doing my thing.

I got pregnant at the busiest time of my life. To say 2008 was busy will be an understatement. My dad became ill, which meant endless trip in and out of the hospital for operations and corrections. I had a busy work schedule like I had never had, deadlines to meet, meetings upon meetings. I had job assessments to prepare for, and exams to prep and write. So you can imagine the shock on finding out that I was pregnant.

All these years I’ve taken it easy, not doing too much, nothing happened, and then boom, I was pregnant.

We had some old test sticks which we used on the morning of November the 24th 2008, they were both expired but managed to show faint lines. I refused to believe that it was positive. How can it be, besides the sticks were expired anyway. I concluded it was reading the results wrongly.

On my way to work, I stopped by the pharmacy and bought a proper test kit. Back at the office I went into the ladies and did the test, I didn’t have to wait 2 minutes for the results there is was a confirmation the + sign.

I got down on my knees and started crying. I was shaking really badly, thankfully I am usually the first person in the office so I was the only one around. I quickly got up and called hubby to share the good news.

For the next few days we were elated, we refused to tell anyone, it was our secret. Hubby gave a pregnancy chart indicating the number of weeks our baby was and the due date. He pampered me, cared for me and just spoilt me. The moment I found out, I started praying for my baby, binding miscarriage, covering us with the precious blood of Jesus. I’ve always prayed but this time it took on a new meaning. A child was growing inside of me… say what?

The only person I told was my sister. I visited her two days after we found out and told her she was excited and told me not to worry that her prayers are going into the highest gear.

Just before Christmas I told hubby and my sister I wasn’t experiencing any of the signs of pregnancy my sister told me not to worry that this was a supernatural pregnancy. Didn’t I pray for a smooth pregnancy with no morning sickness? Hubby too was worried, but didn’t tell me. I was full of energy, no cravings but just hunger pangs. I remember hubby suggested that I should go to my GP and tell him I was spotting so that I can be sent for an early scan if I was worried. I refused saying I won’t lie to avoid confessing negative.

On the 19th December 2008, I decided to visit my GP because I was travelling to Asia the week after. I wanted to know if there were any risk of my going far away and flying for such a long time. Just before I left the house I noticed a very faint brownish stain, immediately I panicked but knelt down and bind every miscarriage, at this stage I was praying minute for a healthy baby, for a pain free labour etc.

I told my GP about this and she immediately sent me into the early pregnancy unit for a scan. I waited my turn and went in. The nurse was very nice and quietly told me she can’t pick any heart beat. Your baby seems to have stopped growing at 6 and ½ weeks she said”. I can see the sack but no heart beat. I continued praying please God don’t don this to me, I commanded my baby to start to grow. I was asked to empty my bladder and come back for an internal scan. She tired again but the story was the same. And that was how I found that I had miscarried my precious Beau, without knowing.

But all things worked together for good, what would have happened in Asia? What if I had started bleeding over there in a foreign land? I don’t know the doctors, their medical style and all that. The Holy Spirit impressed it upon me to go and see my GP that morning even though I had no plans of doing that the day before.

I was sad and cried all the way back from the hospital. I knelt down besides my bed and cried out to God, why? I prayed, I claimed Ex 23.26, “you shall not cast your young”. Why did you make me pregnant only lose this baby? Why didn’t you protect this baby? Was it that I didn’t pray enough! Was it me! After pouring out my heart to him I was at peace and that began my healing.

I told my closest friends and they were stunted some were also trying as well but they were very happy and sad at the same time. The fact that it happened they said is a sign that God has heard and is about to bring it to pass. Which was the same way hubby and I looked at it any way.
We became excited and started looking forward to trying again. God has done what clomid, IVF could not do. We were infused with new zeal. Before I became pregnant, we were just going through the motions, no excitement in being intimate, we just had to do it because we knew that every month we had a chance, but the act was to “fulfil all righteousness”.

After the miscarriage our hope was renewed, we were excited, expectant and can’t wait to start trying again. Now I know that I can be pregnant. I was not miserable, I was sad at the loss. But that was it. The holiday to Asia was timely, it did me good we went away for a week and I came back whole.

I am normally an upbeat person, positive and happy, so it was difficult to be miserable and organise a pity party. I thank God for his strength, grace and favour.
Now my prayer is that Lord, come speedily; let it not be many days before I
become pregnant again. I also pray that affliction will not occur a second time. That is my buzz word. I believe it and I know that he who has begun a good work in me is faithful to complete.

A breaking away, a detachment from pain,
Not dwelling on the past.
A hope that is renewed like the welcome sight of daylight,
A new resolved ignited within.
An assurance that a day will come when I too will hold Beau in my hands.

© Rina Rose

Monday, 9 February 2009

Hope Again.

I remember that day very well, hubby got up and said it’s time. I asked time for what, he replied, time to test. I reluctantly agreed, because I was sure my flow is going to start anytime soon and this test will be negative anyway.

Truth is, my period was over due by 10 days and in my error of calculation I thought it was over due by 2 days! I had stopped counting the days before the next flow because I didn’t want to be anxious when its one day late, so not counting helps me ignore its impending arrival, and I’ve always assumed it will come anyway, it’s only a matter of time.

Having being trying for a baby for 4 and half years, 2 failed IVF cycles and clomid, you can understand my reluctance in having a pregnancy test. I have had a few and the results have been disappointing. I wasn’t going to put myself through that again, but on hearing that you are 10 days overdue I knew it was time to test.

To be contiuned......

Friday, 6 February 2009

Thank you

Thanks to everyone who left comments to encourage me on my struggles with infertility. Sorry for the long silence, I've been through lot over the past few months. I will be sharing my journey so far in my next post.
God bless.

Open Hearts

Open Hearts
In Gratitude