Choosing Joy

Thanks to all those who encouraged me after my last post. I am really encouraged.

God has been speaking to me about my purpose and my calling, about why he created us. Everyone is going through stuff. There are those who want kids, jobs, husbands, financial break through, bigger house, food, liberation, you name it.
What is really our purpose? To seek these things? No, we were created for one reason and one reason only, to worship him, to seek his kingdom first and he will then add all these other things Including kids! to us.

My primary focus now is to seek him for who he his, I have found tremendous Joy from being in his presence. I am being healed daily and it's so surprising to me the relief I get from being with him why didn't I know this before I ask? Because I was seeking him for my needs, not for who he is.

He has made me stronger, better and more joyful, I have come to the point where I will no longer question but choose to trust!

He has shown me that If I cannot be joyful and happy now without kids, what makes me think that I will be Joyful and happy when I have them with all the responsibilities, sleepless nights, thoughts of child care, and other challenges that comes with being a parent.

I have decided to be Joyful on purpose, yes offense will come, people will get pregnant, have kids, get married, move house, I am choosing Joy and just like the song by Mary, Mary, "I've cried my last tears, yesterday" "cos I've decided to trust God"

I am choosing Joy, because he is my all in all, my peace, my righteousness, my healer, my redeemer, because in him I live, move and have my being. Therefore my job is to serve him with gladness and trust that whatever he is doing is going to work out for my good just like he said.

So I encourage everyone who is waiting on the Lord for children, husbands, jobs, healing, financial breakthrough, seek him first because with him comes all these things.

Is It Ok to Ask Why?

I wonder, is it ok to ask God questions? Questions about our situations? Is it a sin to ask why?

Right now I feel like asking alot of questions.
Just like Job who echoed, shall we recieve good only and not evil? Shall we recieve evil only and not good I say?

I am just so full of emotions right now I need to spill this out. Just learnt that my brother-in-law and his wife are expecting their first child! You see she is going to be 41 this year, they've only been married 6 months and she is 3 months pregnant.
If my second pregnancy had progressed normally, I would have been one week ahead of her.
On hearing the news, I fell apart, I was happy for them but this was a reminder of my recent loss.
I sat lost for word, tears started falling down my face, for the first time since the last misscarriage I carried tears of loss.

And I wondered why me God, why? So many thoughts crossed my mind, I should have been sharing my news, we would have been on maternity leave together, do things together, what is wrong with me Lord? One minute I couldn't get pregnant, now I get pregnant and can't keep the babies, Lord, these people don't know you. They don't fast and pray for a baby, they don't haven your word to stand on, yet it came so easily for them, why not me Lord?

I am so glad my brother-in-law told my hubby over the phone, that saved me the energy of having to go throught the motions.

Why did it hurt so bad? I am happy for them of course, but it just made my own situation so real. I can imagine the whole family members sending their congratulations and wandering about us?

My colleague at work is expecting too and we would have been due almost the same time had the first pregnany stayed, now this! it seems that everyone is sharing their good news but me. She is going on maternity leave this week, yesterday was my due date for the last pregnancy. Just when I was getting over it I learnt of this news.

Sometimes it appears that God wants me to be pregnant alone, all my friends have had children and some have finished.
I still love God, and believe his word for us will be fulfilled, but its just not knowing when and having to deal with other people's news. I feel like hiding away and doing my thing, just leaving one day at a time.

Well I just have to run to him and cry to him as my father he knows best. I believe this is my test and when he has tried me I shall come forth as pure gold.

The Waiting Room

Staring into space,
A blank look on her face
Deep in thought,
She waited,

Others joined in the wait
For answers to quest long sought for.
They wait, in this room there is space for all

Some waited
For few moments, minutes, hours, days and years
Some wait ended with tears of Joy,
Others in acceptance of the master's planner.

I wait sometimes impatiently, questioning the time in the waiting room
I wait sometimes with a secret grim, knowing my turn will come.
I wait now not with fear, anxiety, worry or impatience

I wait n hope,
in expectation of a dawn
One where faith will become substance.
I wait because he renews my strength in the waiting room.