A relief

After coming back from my Christmas holiday, I feel relaxed and relief that my period didn't come this month while on holiday. It was a hectic time away, the climbing and walking and hiking did us good. Now we are ready for all God has in store for us in 2010.

Happy New Year.

Being Grateful

Being thankful can be difficult especially when we look at the cup that is half empty.
Its so easy to focus on the what might have beings, than on what was and what actually is right now.

Being grateful doesn't come easy, especially during the most trying and difficult times of our lives, because our focus is on our situation and to be honest even when we give God thanks in the mist of it all, it is with a heavy heart, and sometimes not to appear ungrateful, kind of out of duty and not out of a heart that is truly grateful in spite of the odds!


So in the spirit of thanksgiving!

I am truly grateful in the mist of it all,
despite the odds, amidst the tears and the disappointments, in spite of the pain,
Lord I am grateful,
Grateful for the life you've given us,
Grateful for health, job, family and friends
We am not improvised,
nor destitute
for food, clothing and shelter.
You've blessed us beyond our wildest dreams and for this
We are grateful.

Down through the path ways of life I wander
through the shadows of doubt and fear I tread
littered down this road are tears,
which serves as reminders of my dreads

down the path way of desires I stare
wondering amidst the clouds of pain
and through the mist of gloom
when desires will be come real and
and that which is hoped for within reach.

Down the path I walk on, for ahead looms the goal
within reached amidst the fits
and I as wander on in fear,
I feel his touch and his presence assured
urging me on, for the my dawn is near!

Rina!


and hi

God's Faithfulness

He's been faithful to me,
When my heart felt faint
'cos the wait felt long
He's remain faithful

He's been faithful to me
When the tears just won't stop
and the rain fell quick in torrential pour

He's been faithful to me
When in doubt I felt still
and my knees just won't bend

He's been faithful to me
Through out the years and in spite of my fears,
Through the changing gears of life
He's remain faithful to me.

Rina

Choosing Joy

Thanks to all those who encouraged me after my last post. I am really encouraged.

God has been speaking to me about my purpose and my calling, about why he created us. Everyone is going through stuff. There are those who want kids, jobs, husbands, financial break through, bigger house, food, liberation, you name it.
What is really our purpose? To seek these things? No, we were created for one reason and one reason only, to worship him, to seek his kingdom first and he will then add all these other things Including kids! to us.

My primary focus now is to seek him for who he his, I have found tremendous Joy from being in his presence. I am being healed daily and it's so surprising to me the relief I get from being with him why didn't I know this before I ask? Because I was seeking him for my needs, not for who he is.

He has made me stronger, better and more joyful, I have come to the point where I will no longer question but choose to trust!

He has shown me that If I cannot be joyful and happy now without kids, what makes me think that I will be Joyful and happy when I have them with all the responsibilities, sleepless nights, thoughts of child care, and other challenges that comes with being a parent.

I have decided to be Joyful on purpose, yes offense will come, people will get pregnant, have kids, get married, move house, I am choosing Joy and just like the song by Mary, Mary, "I've cried my last tears, yesterday" "cos I've decided to trust God"

I am choosing Joy, because he is my all in all, my peace, my righteousness, my healer, my redeemer, because in him I live, move and have my being. Therefore my job is to serve him with gladness and trust that whatever he is doing is going to work out for my good just like he said.

So I encourage everyone who is waiting on the Lord for children, husbands, jobs, healing, financial breakthrough, seek him first because with him comes all these things.

Is It Ok to Ask Why?

I wonder, is it ok to ask God questions? Questions about our situations? Is it a sin to ask why?

Right now I feel like asking alot of questions.
Just like Job who echoed, shall we recieve good only and not evil? Shall we recieve evil only and not good I say?

I am just so full of emotions right now I need to spill this out. Just learnt that my brother-in-law and his wife are expecting their first child! You see she is going to be 41 this year, they've only been married 6 months and she is 3 months pregnant.
If my second pregnancy had progressed normally, I would have been one week ahead of her.
On hearing the news, I fell apart, I was happy for them but this was a reminder of my recent loss.
I sat lost for word, tears started falling down my face, for the first time since the last misscarriage I carried tears of loss.

And I wondered why me God, why? So many thoughts crossed my mind, I should have been sharing my news, we would have been on maternity leave together, do things together, what is wrong with me Lord? One minute I couldn't get pregnant, now I get pregnant and can't keep the babies, Lord, these people don't know you. They don't fast and pray for a baby, they don't haven your word to stand on, yet it came so easily for them, why not me Lord?

I am so glad my brother-in-law told my hubby over the phone, that saved me the energy of having to go throught the motions.

Why did it hurt so bad? I am happy for them of course, but it just made my own situation so real. I can imagine the whole family members sending their congratulations and wandering about us?

My colleague at work is expecting too and we would have been due almost the same time had the first pregnany stayed, now this! it seems that everyone is sharing their good news but me. She is going on maternity leave this week, yesterday was my due date for the last pregnancy. Just when I was getting over it I learnt of this news.

Sometimes it appears that God wants me to be pregnant alone, all my friends have had children and some have finished.
I still love God, and believe his word for us will be fulfilled, but its just not knowing when and having to deal with other people's news. I feel like hiding away and doing my thing, just leaving one day at a time.

Well I just have to run to him and cry to him as my father he knows best. I believe this is my test and when he has tried me I shall come forth as pure gold.

The Waiting Room

Staring into space,
A blank look on her face
Deep in thought,
She waited,

Others joined in the wait
For answers to quest long sought for.
They wait, in this room there is space for all

Some waited
For few moments, minutes, hours, days and years
Some wait ended with tears of Joy,
Others in acceptance of the master's planner.

I wait sometimes impatiently, questioning the time in the waiting room
I wait sometimes with a secret grim, knowing my turn will come.
I wait now not with fear, anxiety, worry or impatience

I wait n hope,
in expectation of a dawn
One where faith will become substance.
I wait because he renews my strength in the waiting room.

A Preview Into The Heart of A Woman In Waiting.

A preview into the heart of a woman in waiting.

Help Lord, I don’t know what to do. I am in a place where I desire to leave, but there appears to be no way out. I know you’ve promised a way of escape in every trial and tribulation. But the longer I go through the trial of infertility the longer it seems that there is no way out.

I still love and will always love you, but I feel like I am drained of all energy to pray and ask. I feel like asking you for the same thing over and over again, diminish what you are.

I feel fear, not fear of not having a child of my own but fear that we’ll travel this road for a long time before you’ll come through for us. Is that the case Lord? Is it wrong to want you to do it now for us, by this time next year to be holding our own child? Is it wrong to give you a time frame?

The reason I feel this way is because I am looking at time, thinking I am getting older, but I remember you are ageless and operates outside time and will bring to pass our hearts need for a child regardless of age. But Lord, I don’t want to be 40 before having a child, MINE will be 58! Can I ask that, can I ask that you do it for us now! Am I allowed to ask that? Or is that lack of faith? I don’t know Lord. You know.

I feel left behind by friends and family who get pregnant before they start trying.
I feel like a pawn in your hand which you can do as you wish, I also know that you are my father a God of love who will not forsake or leave me. I know THAT Lord.
But I also feel alone, I focus on you and your power, but I also can’t help wondering why it’s taking you this long to do it.

Another reason is what I see happening around, even young mums are tired bringing up their new born, the sleepless nights, the cries, the nappy changes etc. How much more me, but then again I remember you are our strength. You said they that wait upon shall renew their strength. I know too that you will renew our strength for parenthood. I just want to see you high and lifted up in this situation.

I felt this way yesterday and told my father how I feel.
Today he encouraged me with my “Our Daily Bread” Gal 4:4.
“When the fullness of time had come, God send his Son”.
It reminded me that God’s time is perfect, though I want to have it now, though I don’t want to be 40 and my husband 58 to have kids, one thing he assured me is that he is never a day late or early, he is always just on time.

In his perfect timing he gave us his Son, when the world desperately needed a saviour he came through for us. He is still the same God, I look up to him and my countenance was enlightened.

So whenever you feel like time is passing by, that the hand of the clock is ticking and counting down, and it seems like your egg store is rapidly diminishing, remember the one who creates time can stop time for your sake and bring your heart felt desires to pass in perfect time!

It Shall Come To Pass

Is there anything too hard for God to do? We’ve read that scripture, we know about that scripture, we’ve claimed it, talked about it, but do we really believe it. Do we really know that nothing is too hard for God to do? Have we grasped the essence of God in his all powerful all knowledgeable form?

If we have then why do we become so distraught and perplexed when faced with challenging circumstances?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying don’t cry or be sad when thing don’t turn out right, we are humans with emotions and will certainly feel pain real enough to cause despair.
But after the initial shock of whatever it is we face has passed where do we go from there? Do we continue with the same attitude of “whatever will be, will be” or go back to the rock of our salvation.

Faith is a belief, a believe that God will do what he said he will do. God’s word is full of promises to us, to the childless couple he said “you will be a mother of many nations” to the down trodden he is an up lifter
To those in darkness he said I’ve come as a light
God’s word has been fulfilled in Jesus. Whatever it is we want has already been provided all we have to do is step into the finish work of Calvary and claim what’s rightfully ours.

One of the ways I claim what’s mine in the word is by declaring it over my life, I know we already know this, but we need to move past the place of speaking the word to actually speaking it in faith knowing that it will come to pass otherwise it will just remain a confession.
There has to be a conviction down in our souls that we know that we know that we know that he is faithful who has promised and will bring it to pass.

So whatever you believe God for, no matter the obstacles, the problems, the issues, he is bigger than them all and will carry us over them, through them, around them and bring us safely to his perfect purpose for our lives.

If you are struggling to stay in the faith race, or have been waiting for that promised child for a long time, wait for it, it shall surely come, all you have to do is cry out to him “Lord I believe, help my unbelief”

As you do, watch him bring his promises to pass in your life.

Room of Hope

Empty cribs, adored with white ribbons and little glitters of wool cut mittens,
Waiting to be worn,
Hats of cream, blue and pink colours, adore this space, waiting for that special little bundle
I do not known when this special person shall come down from above and take their home.
One thing is sure,
The day will come, and a cry will ring from
a room so beautifully adored.
A room where hope is born

© Rina Rose

He Answers

Talk about God being at work. I know for sure that his hand is upon us and he has heard our prayers.
I have always had a long cycle, anything from 31 days to 36 this makes tracking ovulations difficult. I normally use ovulations kit but stopped after a while.

I had my first flow since the MS. one of my prayer is for God to grant me a perfect cycle. Ideally this is 28 days which means ovulation occurs on day 14.
My prayer has been for God to regulate my cycle, my hormones, and make our body to function the way he created it.
This petition has become stronger since the MS and I have prayed it as often as I can.
My flow started on the 26th of February an exact 28 day cycle. That is prayers answered.

On this journey I sometimes become cautious as I don’t want to be too hopeful, you know, get my hopes up and then nothing happened. But what is faith if I don’t believe that God will come through for me, no matter what.

The devil plays tricks on my mind telling me not to be too hopeful. This might just be a coincident. Well Mr Satan, it is not, this is what I asked for according to Matthew 21:22. If you ask anything in prayer, believing you will receive.
That is what I did and that scripture has been fulfilled in my life. So I am going to continue to believe God, to take him at his word, to hold on to it, no matter what I see, or experience. I will not quit, this too will pass.

God of my strength, you are my hope too, when times are rough and desires tarry,
You are my all.
I look to you and my countenance is enlightened. Your word is my bread all day long and as I wait in your presence, your peace I have as an anchor in the storm.

Hope Again contiunes

Unlike most stories on infertility, I was not paranoid when I see teenagers giving birth or those we think don’t deserve it. Watching my mucus change was as far as I get. I was up beat, had a positive attitude and just took life as it comes. I even secretly started enjoying living without a child. I just put my situation down to time as I believe it will happen when God wants it to. I even stopped taking folic acid. I have been on that thing for 4 years I deserve a share in the company that manufactures it.

Don’t get me wrong. I had my moments; moments where I have been unhappy wondering what was wrong with me. We went for investigation a year after trying, nothing was wrong with us. The IVF produces low quality eggs, none was implanted. It appears my eggs were abnormal, so I concluded that the problem was mine. I have cried, prayed and fasted. But what I didn’t do was dwell too long on my demise. I made a decision not to be miserable I try to find the good in the situation, I enjoyed my sleep at night, my shopping without being disturbed, the fact that I can go anywhere without having to think of child care, not worrying about anything and it helped. I continued loving God and doing my thing.

I got pregnant at the busiest time of my life. To say 2008 was busy will be an understatement. My dad became ill, which meant endless trip in and out of the hospital for operations and corrections. I had a busy work schedule like I had never had, deadlines to meet, meetings upon meetings. I had job assessments to prepare for, and exams to prep and write. So you can imagine the shock on finding out that I was pregnant.

All these years I’ve taken it easy, not doing too much, nothing happened, and then boom, I was pregnant.

We had some old test sticks which we used on the morning of November the 24th 2008, they were both expired but managed to show faint lines. I refused to believe that it was positive. How can it be, besides the sticks were expired anyway. I concluded it was reading the results wrongly.

On my way to work, I stopped by the pharmacy and bought a proper test kit. Back at the office I went into the ladies and did the test, I didn’t have to wait 2 minutes for the results there is was a confirmation the + sign.

I got down on my knees and started crying. I was shaking really badly, thankfully I am usually the first person in the office so I was the only one around. I quickly got up and called hubby to share the good news.

For the next few days we were elated, we refused to tell anyone, it was our secret. Hubby gave a pregnancy chart indicating the number of weeks our baby was and the due date. He pampered me, cared for me and just spoilt me. The moment I found out, I started praying for my baby, binding miscarriage, covering us with the precious blood of Jesus. I’ve always prayed but this time it took on a new meaning. A child was growing inside of me… say what?

The only person I told was my sister. I visited her two days after we found out and told her she was excited and told me not to worry that her prayers are going into the highest gear.

Just before Christmas I told hubby and my sister I wasn’t experiencing any of the signs of pregnancy my sister told me not to worry that this was a supernatural pregnancy. Didn’t I pray for a smooth pregnancy with no morning sickness? Hubby too was worried, but didn’t tell me. I was full of energy, no cravings but just hunger pangs. I remember hubby suggested that I should go to my GP and tell him I was spotting so that I can be sent for an early scan if I was worried. I refused saying I won’t lie to avoid confessing negative.

On the 19th December 2008, I decided to visit my GP because I was travelling to Asia the week after. I wanted to know if there were any risk of my going far away and flying for such a long time. Just before I left the house I noticed a very faint brownish stain, immediately I panicked but knelt down and bind every miscarriage, at this stage I was praying minute for a healthy baby, for a pain free labour etc.

I told my GP about this and she immediately sent me into the early pregnancy unit for a scan. I waited my turn and went in. The nurse was very nice and quietly told me she can’t pick any heart beat. “Your baby seems to have stopped growing at 6 and ½ weeks she said”. I can see the sack but no heart beat. I continued praying please God don’t don this to me, I commanded my baby to start to grow. I was asked to empty my bladder and come back for an internal scan. She tired again but the story was the same. And that was how I found that I had miscarried my precious Beau, without knowing.

But all things worked together for good, what would have happened in Asia? What if I had started bleeding over there in a foreign land? I don’t know the doctors, their medical style and all that. The Holy Spirit impressed it upon me to go and see my GP that morning even though I had no plans of doing that the day before.

I was sad and cried all the way back from the hospital. I knelt down besides my bed and cried out to God, why? I prayed, I claimed Ex 23.26, “you shall not cast your young”. Why did you make me pregnant only lose this baby? Why didn’t you protect this baby? Was it that I didn’t pray enough! Was it me! After pouring out my heart to him I was at peace and that began my healing.

I told my closest friends and they were stunted some were also trying as well but they were very happy and sad at the same time. The fact that it happened they said is a sign that God has heard and is about to bring it to pass. Which was the same way hubby and I looked at it any way.
We became excited and started looking forward to trying again. God has done what clomid, IVF could not do. We were infused with new zeal. Before I became pregnant, we were just going through the motions, no excitement in being intimate, we just had to do it because we knew that every month we had a chance, but the act was to “fulfil all righteousness”.

After the miscarriage our hope was renewed, we were excited, expectant and can’t wait to start trying again. Now I know that I can be pregnant. I was not miserable, I was sad at the loss. But that was it. The holiday to Asia was timely, it did me good we went away for a week and I came back whole.

I am normally an upbeat person, positive and happy, so it was difficult to be miserable and organise a pity party. I thank God for his strength, grace and favour.
Now my prayer is that Lord, come speedily; let it not be many days before I
become pregnant again. I also pray that affliction will not occur a second time. That is my buzz word. I believe it and I know that he who has begun a good work in me is faithful to complete.

A breaking away, a detachment from pain,
Not dwelling on the past.
A hope that is renewed like the welcome sight of daylight,
A new resolved ignited within.
An assurance that a day will come when I too will hold Beau in my hands.
© Rina Rose

Hope Again.

I remember that day very well, hubby got up and said it’s time. I asked time for what, he replied, time to test. I reluctantly agreed, because I was sure my flow is going to start anytime soon and this test will be negative anyway.

Truth is, my period was over due by 10 days and in my error of calculation I thought it was over due by 2 days! I had stopped counting the days before the next flow because I didn’t want to be anxious when its one day late, so not counting helps me ignore its impending arrival, and I’ve always assumed it will come anyway, it’s only a matter of time.

Having being trying for a baby for 4 and half years, 2 failed IVF cycles and clomid, you can understand my reluctance in having a pregnancy test. I have had a few and the results have been disappointing. I wasn’t going to put myself through that again, but on hearing that you are 10 days overdue I knew it was time to test.

To be contiuned......

Thank you

Thanks to everyone who left comments to encourage me on my struggles with infertility. Sorry for the long silence, I've been through lot over the past few months. I will be sharing my journey so far in my next post.
God bless.